March 5

In the past two months, I have developed anxiety, depression, and insomnia. It comes and goes. I thought I was having a natural reaction to life circumstances: moving far away, adjusting to a new culture, having a stressful job, and accepting Grandad’s death. But all of these things are getting easier over time, yet the anxiety seems to be getting worse. I woke up at 3am this morning with terrible anxiety. My heart was racing, my body was tense, and I felt like I was in a fight-or-flight situation. This has happened quite a few mornings. But the weird thing is that nothing was wrong. I felt anxious, but I couldn’t think of anything specific to worry about. So I worried about the fact that I was worrying so much. I developed a theory: maybe this is related to my Lariam pills. I’ve been taking Lariam once a week to prevent malaria. It can cause mental health side effects. So I’m thinking about going off Lariam and switching to a different malaria prophylaxis. It’s still mosquito season here and a few of the teachers here have had malaria lately, so I should definitely take something. But I hope I’ll feel calmer on a different drug. Hopefully it’s not my brain that’s torturing me like this, because then I’m stuck with it. Inbal has been a great listener and a great support, but I don’t want to keep burdening him. He deserves to sleep at 3am, not listen to the worrywart wife yammering on!

Another chicken died.